"Itty, Bitty Flutter of a Heartbeat"

We are totally overjoyed to say that we have a very nice, strong heartbeat of 135 bpm! We also got a very nice photo of the ultrasound emailed to us from our surrogate. Thank you EVERYONE for taking just a moment yesterday and today to send positive energy our way. IT WORKED!! And now we are a bit out of the woods until the first trimester is over. THANK GOD…I am so happy that this first part of the wait is over and the results were promising.

Funny sidebar story #1: when I got off the phone with our wonderful surrogate I had a moment where I mentally thanked every person that I possibly could, living or dead, for being there in some way for this baby. I also had myself a good cry (yes this 6’4”, 200 pound guy is a crier…don’t laugh, or I’ll beat you up, or cry!). Of course all of this was taking place in the dark, because it was 4:30 am here in Hawaii and the two extremely deep sleepers of the house (Bill and our dog Chloe) were “tits up” in the bedroom. And while I didn’t expect a bottle of champagne to be opened at that hour, I did expect something more than what I got out of Bill…poor guy was all groggy and I traipsed in the room and made the announcement…all he gave me was a half-smile and then turned over and went back to bed. I DID get a nice reaction later, though, when he was more clear-headed and saw the sign I left on the kitchen counter. So he DID redeem himself. Let’s hope future appointments are later in the day so Bill and I can celebrate together, though I’m sure parenthood will have its many moments of late nights and early mornings. Bill better get ready…

Funny sidebar story #2 (one that made me smile and blubber at the same time): After I told Bill about our awesome heartbeat I was SURE I wouldn’t be able to go back to bed, but I surprised myself and fell in to a pretty deep sleep for about an hour and a half. My dream seemed to begin immediately. There really wasn’t too much to it except I remember standing in front of my sister, Lisa, and we just gave each other a big bear hug. It seemed to last the entire dream…and when I woke up, I so wished it would have lasted a lifetime. I know she and my mom are here with me, celebrating. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

Trusting the Universe...

I've titled this post the same as one I wrote on August 19, 2009 because I feel the same way. Though our journey with surrogacy in India in 2009 did not end up the way we wanted it to...I still feel the same way about trusting the universe. The past few days I've been stopping, looking up, and asking for help as we approach our 6 week and 5 day scan tomorrow. This is the farthest we've ever been with a pregnancy, and I can't say that I am a very religious man, but I have to trust that something outside of just the few parties involved in this very early pregnancy have a hand in helping it along to be viable. A sign of viability is a heartbeat. And that potentially could come tomorrow morning as we get our second scan. We are very hopeful that things are pointing in the right direction but as most people are early on, we are cautious. But so, so optimistic!

So I ask those that may read this in the next several hours to just think good thoughts about our appointment tomorrow. Bow your head, think positively, do a fertility dance, or just imagine a happy growing life in a warm place for us. I know all the positive energy that's out there is helping. And thank you. I'll post the results when I get the chance...

Second Beta

Today we received the results of our surro's second beta test, which came in at 9,380! While it didn't double, that is very close, so we are confident that we are heading in the right direction.

Her progesterone level was a bit low at 10.1, so her OB wrote a 30-day prescription. I think the normal level is 15-20...though not sure?

Overall, though, we are VERY happy with the results. The scan this Thursday should show a lot more...and hopefully we get to see a heartbeat so we can get out of the woods a bit here. Thank you EVERYONE for your thoughts and comments and prayers. They're helping as this little bean grows. Keep them coming...!

(this waiting is killing me...and it's only just the beginning!)

The first beta comes in at...

5,573!
Doing the happy dance!!!!


Our surro was having some headaches, which happened in our June pregnancy that resulted in a m/c, so she asked for an appointment with her OB one week earlier than scheduled. After a blood test, a lot of waiting, and an ultrasound, she called with this wonderful number!! We were so happy that things were looking good.

The ultrasound showed a gestational sac, yolk, and something that resembled a fetal pole. No heartbeat detected yet but she's only 5 weeks and 5 days. Hoping that her second beta on Saturday will at least double. There was also some fluid visible but the doctor could not confirm what it was...hoping there is no bleeding going on in there :-/ We are definitely happy with the number, as our June beta was like 170 or something and then went down to like 80 two days later,...and she was just over five weeks. So a good start!

Keep growing little one...everyone is rooting for you!!!!

19 and 21 dpo

21 dpo

19 dpo

Progressively darker tests. Looking good. First appointment is next week Thursday 9/29. Someone please fast forward to next week...please? Thanks for all your positive thoughts and prayers. We are only five weeks and 2 days but every day is so important!

15 and 16 dpo

16 dpo

15 dpo

Happy to report that the tests are getting darker. I know that some subscribe to the "School of HPT Thought" that progressively darker tests don't mean a thing, but we're excited to see changes that could be seen as positive. On the symptoms front, surro "M" feels like they are different this time around -- to quote..."Boob pain is constant, instead of fluctuating. I'm tired, hungry, and queasy!" So appreciative of everything she is doing to keep this one sticky.

Everything crossed...

Help from Lisa Marie

Well today was HPT day and we got a nice, strong positive. Yay!!! As I said before, we didn't want to test any earlier than 14 dpo because it was just too much torture to try and read those test lines. Sometimes I felt my eyes were playing tricks on me...other times I couldn't see anything at all. But this was a nice and clear pink line and then followed up later in the day with a "Pregnant" on the digital. Hallelujah! So that's three times with our current surrogate and three times pregnant - early miscarriage at about a little more than five weeks and then a chemical pregnancy the second time. Let's hoping the third time's a charm.

The ironic thing is that when our surrogate said today, September 10th, was the day her period was due, my heart sank a bit. September 10th is my sister Lisa's birthday, who passed away 17 years ago after a year long battle with cancer. She would have been 50. It was a bit unnerving that the bad news of a negative would only heighten the sadness of losing one of my best friends and family members; but also a bit exciting if it was a positive, knowing that Lisa would have been so happy for me.

Lisa was an incredible spirit, kind and loving to everyone. And I don't just say that because she was my sister. Everyone felt the same. She was beautiful and radiant, inside and out. Her life and ultimate death taught me so much about perseverance, fighting the tough fight, and living your life to the fullest. When she was diagnosed with liver cancer I was 27, closeted, and couldn't imagine coming out to anyone, EVER. Yes, I was a very late-bloomer -- but without a word spoken between us, I knew this was a sign that I had to open up those doors and walk out, PROUDLY. Life is way too short to live another life, hide, and suffer. God knows I didn't suffer near as much as Lisa during her battle with cancer, but suffering it was. And it was during that very rough year that I began to share with my parents, family and friends, that I was gay. It was difficult. There were lots of tears and questions and doubts. I remember the day I told my sister. We were leaving on a camping trip and I asked her to drive with me, just she and I. I torturously proceeded to let the illusive cat out of the bag, and during that one hour drive, it was 100% about her love, her comforting, and my sharing something with someone I loved so much, before it was too late. She embraced me, emotionally, lovingly, and assured me that everything was going to be alright. I loved her so much for her acceptance of who I was, who I had always been, and who I was going to be (that of which she would never get to experience). We spent the next 48 hours playing on the beach, watching the sun go down, playing board games, and enjoying a beer and the warmth and closeness of family and friends. I treasure that trip and that "coming out" conversation with Lisa. I was so happy that I had the opportunity to share with her the whole me, before I would regret it and never have the chance. She passed away early the following year.

So today I am thankful for the birth of my lovely sister Lisa Marie, for what she taught me about my life, and I remember her courageous fight for her own. And I am thankful, so incredibly thankful, that another tiny life is growing in our surrogate's womb, and we are hoping and praying it sticks.

I'll end this post with a quote from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet", which I read at Lisa's services,...a photo of my beautiful sister, and a shot of that awesome positive.

"Farewell to you and the youth I have spent with you. It was but yesterday we met in a dream. You have sung to me in my aloneness, and I of your longings have built a tower in the sky. But now our sleep has fled and our dream is over, and it is no longer dawn. The noontide is upon us and our half waking has turned to fuller day, and we must part. If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. And if our hands should meet in another dream, we shall build another tower in the sky."

A change of scenery...

I have been thinking for some time that we were ready for a design change on this really boring template from like years ago. Yes, it's been YEARS since we started this blog. But I'm not complaining,...I've done that a bit too much on these posts...I'm mostly being hopeful and positive about our next outcome and encouraged by the fact that we are still in the game, after all the setbacks, negatives, early MCs, etc etc. Our goal is really to be good and pregnant by the end of the year, so make sure you note that, people, WE ARE GOING TO BE PREGNANT come hell or high water (barring any hurricanes, that is).

Our surro's period is due a week from this Saturday, 9/10, and we've discussed not receiving any test results until then. Testing early is for the birds (for me, anyway). Just too much anxiety associated with it and in the end, we just need a good, strong pregnancy that lasts longer than five weeks. HOWEVER, I have told our surro that if she gets a strong positive, then throw out the comment that early testing is for the birds, and gimme some good news, dammit! LOL...I"m terrible, but we are just so ready, and sometimes the early signs give us hope to get us through the next day, or hour, or literally the next five minutes, when it comes to keeping yourself sane. You all know what I'm talking about, right?

A big congrats to all the SCI Delhi babies out there, and also the clinics in Mumbai, and all the babies born in the States to surros and IPs. I just love reading these stories of the journey to have a child. There is something so amazing about it. I hand it to all of you -- you guys ROCK. Including the surros, and clinics and hospitals that make it possible. Such a great partnership!

We will keep everyone posted on how things go. Really, really hoping that it sticks this time (third time, a charm?) but if not, we have a super excellent plan b in the works that will kick in to high gear as soon as possible because I am still set on getting pregnant before the end of the year -- of course there's always room to move that goal forward if things aren't aligned, but I'm on a mission and I believe this baby will come in to our lives within the next 12 months. Hope I'm not jinxing anything but I just have to stay positive.

Thanks for following our crazy trip with surrogacy. It's been extremely memorable and will be something to look back on one day and be so happy that we traveled the extra mile to get what we wanted. Fingers crossed. Let's get STICKY with it...Thanks all...