Help from Lisa Marie

Well today was HPT day and we got a nice, strong positive. Yay!!! As I said before, we didn't want to test any earlier than 14 dpo because it was just too much torture to try and read those test lines. Sometimes I felt my eyes were playing tricks on me...other times I couldn't see anything at all. But this was a nice and clear pink line and then followed up later in the day with a "Pregnant" on the digital. Hallelujah! So that's three times with our current surrogate and three times pregnant - early miscarriage at about a little more than five weeks and then a chemical pregnancy the second time. Let's hoping the third time's a charm.

The ironic thing is that when our surrogate said today, September 10th, was the day her period was due, my heart sank a bit. September 10th is my sister Lisa's birthday, who passed away 17 years ago after a year long battle with cancer. She would have been 50. It was a bit unnerving that the bad news of a negative would only heighten the sadness of losing one of my best friends and family members; but also a bit exciting if it was a positive, knowing that Lisa would have been so happy for me.

Lisa was an incredible spirit, kind and loving to everyone. And I don't just say that because she was my sister. Everyone felt the same. She was beautiful and radiant, inside and out. Her life and ultimate death taught me so much about perseverance, fighting the tough fight, and living your life to the fullest. When she was diagnosed with liver cancer I was 27, closeted, and couldn't imagine coming out to anyone, EVER. Yes, I was a very late-bloomer -- but without a word spoken between us, I knew this was a sign that I had to open up those doors and walk out, PROUDLY. Life is way too short to live another life, hide, and suffer. God knows I didn't suffer near as much as Lisa during her battle with cancer, but suffering it was. And it was during that very rough year that I began to share with my parents, family and friends, that I was gay. It was difficult. There were lots of tears and questions and doubts. I remember the day I told my sister. We were leaving on a camping trip and I asked her to drive with me, just she and I. I torturously proceeded to let the illusive cat out of the bag, and during that one hour drive, it was 100% about her love, her comforting, and my sharing something with someone I loved so much, before it was too late. She embraced me, emotionally, lovingly, and assured me that everything was going to be alright. I loved her so much for her acceptance of who I was, who I had always been, and who I was going to be (that of which she would never get to experience). We spent the next 48 hours playing on the beach, watching the sun go down, playing board games, and enjoying a beer and the warmth and closeness of family and friends. I treasure that trip and that "coming out" conversation with Lisa. I was so happy that I had the opportunity to share with her the whole me, before I would regret it and never have the chance. She passed away early the following year.

So today I am thankful for the birth of my lovely sister Lisa Marie, for what she taught me about my life, and I remember her courageous fight for her own. And I am thankful, so incredibly thankful, that another tiny life is growing in our surrogate's womb, and we are hoping and praying it sticks.

I'll end this post with a quote from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet", which I read at Lisa's services,...a photo of my beautiful sister, and a shot of that awesome positive.

"Farewell to you and the youth I have spent with you. It was but yesterday we met in a dream. You have sung to me in my aloneness, and I of your longings have built a tower in the sky. But now our sleep has fled and our dream is over, and it is no longer dawn. The noontide is upon us and our half waking has turned to fuller day, and we must part. If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. And if our hands should meet in another dream, we shall build another tower in the sky."